Today – praise the lord – I might have found a place I can bring my New York friends to without being embarrassed. Gigio’s Pizzeria is the most unassuming storefront you have ever seen, with the best pizza I have had during the 2.5 years in Chicago. The store looks so shabby, in fact, that despite living in the neighborhood for almost a year now, I had never ventured to walk in. After a few Google searches for “NY style pizza in Chicago” pointed me there I finally decided to stop by and boy, was I shooting myself in the foot for not doing so earlier.

The dough still isn’t quite right – maybe the secret really IS “in the water.” But it was thin, foldable, chewy, and honestly, the least like cardboard of all Chicago pizza joints’. The cheese and toppings (I got pepperoni) were up to par with NYC, down to the dripping grease detail. Overall, not perfect, but at least comparable. So I stand corrected – it is indeed possible to get a decent slice of the pie in Chicago, and I know where I’m getting all my pizza from now on.

I was in Manhattan last weekend and walked into a regular hole-in-the-wall on upper east side. It was emotional. I was very close to bursting into tears. I asked the slice, why did I move so far away from you?

Last night I finally walked into Cafe Luigi. I’ve been meaning to check it out because it looked more legit than other Chicago pizza joints. Not only did a slice cost an ungodly $3, it again failed to meet my standards. The sauce out here is way too sweet – is it an American boondocks thing to always strive toward diabetes? The dough almost always tastes like cardboard, with slightly charred odor I could really do pizza without. You can’t possibly screw up cheese and toppings, but man, the sauce and the dough really ruins Chicago pizza. They say it’s in the water – well, isn’t it time some chemists ran the Hudson River water through an HPLC or NMR and came up with a “pizza dough water electrolytes” mix?? I understand it’s important to use those machines to analyze things like antioxidants and paramagnetism, but really people, first things first.

The best pizza I’ve had out here remains D’Agostinos at Addison and Southport. Even these guys fall short of the most plebian NYC joints, but they put good Chicago-style toppings on like Italian Beef.

And don’t even give me that deep-dish crap. That’s not pizza. It’s quiche.

Is it too much to ask? I don’t think so. Learn to make pizza right, Chicago. Throughout history Chicago has been trying to catch up with NYC, and with this problem unsolved, it will always be so far behind.

So the rave about this place is that it serves fusion-style ramen and fancy appetizers like lamb and brandy dumplings. It also helps that the chef, Bill Kim, used to be a chef at one of those high-class, fancy-food-only restaurants that I could not care less about. TimeOut will tell you that he was some sort of a saint for abandoning that cushy position to bring his awesome cooking “to the masses,” and to a degree, this is true. Entrees average at about $10, and appetizers, considering the ingredients, are also on the cheap side. To an average American, this would be a great way to have some “genuine (in the loosest sense of the word)” ramen.

It’s genuine because the noodles are pretty close to what you would get at Japanese ramen bars, but I think any Asian would agree that their dishes are just plain overpriced, if not blasphemous. Their pork belly ramen does sport a great piece of pork belly, but it sits in a pho-like broth (not quite pho), and a lot of their ramen puts kimchi into that faux-pho (ugh) broth. All this does for me is to muddle up the flavor profiles and remind me of what Koreans would give to their dogs by combining everything on the table. It’s unique for sure – you could not get such a hodgepodge anywhere else, and I can see people wanting it from time to time. But any more than 10 bucks is way too much to pay for it, when you can get the real thing at Japanese grocery stores all over Chicago for around 7. The perpetual shortage of seating is also not worth it.

To be fair, the dishes are well thought-out and I must praise the chef for managing to make their ramen not taste like garbage. If I want pho, I’d go get pho. If I want Kimchi stew, I’d make it at home. And if I wanted ramen, there are definitely better places to go. But if I wanted to be able to mix all those in my mouth as if I were a sink drain, then Urban Belly is the way to go.

And with the success of Urban Belly, the chefs opened another joint in Humboldt Park called Belly Shack, with the same mix-it-all philosophy but a different direction – sandwiches. It was recommended to me a few days ago, and upon finding out that it’s heralded by the same chefs, I decided to check it out this weekend. And I must say, the food there is much better than Urban Belly. I had the Korean BBQ Kogi sammies and the Togarashi fries (special), and I was blown away – by the latter, mostly. The sammies are nothing special, and again, overpriced. I was served a quartered pita bread with Kimchi and Bulgogi doused in what they called the “ssam” sauce, though it was quite far from actually ssam sauce. All the fillings tasted great in the pita, but the whole time I could not help but think “I could make this at home for $3″. What made all this worse is that my mother had the same exact idea 10 years ago – “What if we opened a sandwich shop? We could put bulgogi and kimchi on bread!” Terrible idea not to act on, ma. The fries, however, were amazing, probably because I love Japanese food so much. The mayo-based dipping sauce seemed to have enough dashi in it to put the entire Madison Square Garden to sleep (yes that’s an MSG joke…sorry) and the Togarashi introduced a whole lot of umami to the potatoes. In fact, it was exactly the same recipe as that of classic Korean chips called Korebop, which makes it a lot less impressive. The food here was worth going back to once in a while, but I really wish they would stop charging out their asses. Moral of the story? If you’re Asian be ready to be open-minded and to lower your standards, because the only surprise you’ll get is that everyone else is surprised by this food.

I learned about “Haluski” from flipping through the Food Network late at night, in an episode of Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (a terrible show to watch late at night, by the way). The recipe from the featured restaurant was something relatively fancy, but it is supposed to be a simple food from Eastern Europe, with all the staples of the region like cabbage and pasta.

The version I made shortly after, proved to be too simple and delicious not to tell someone about. It is literally a young man’s best friend, requiring no cooking skills but passing for a unique and decent meal. Here’s the recipe:

• Pasta – originally egg noodles, but elbow macaroni or ziti works well enough.
• Bacon – also, originally pancetta, but who cares?
• Onions
• Cabbage
• Salt and pepper to taste

1. Boil the pasta al dente (10-12 minutes).
2. Chop bacon into small pieces, and julienne onions and cabbage.
3. Heat oil in a pan and stir-fry bacon and vegetables over medium-high heat.
4. Stir in the pasta, applying salt and pepper to taste.

Done! I hear a fancy Haluski also consists of green peas, capers, carrots and assorted herbs, but if you’re looking for something quick to fill your stomach with (and doesn’t make you feel like you just ate solely for filling up your stomach), then this is your golden ticket. It truly is the dish of the proleteriat. And with that (and a glass of Glenmorangie, which I’ll have to write about sometime), good night.

I found this in a short cookbook and gave it a try the other night. It turned out to be delightful – and so simple. I do enjoy a fair share of ethnic food but American cooking does keep the processes as straightforward as possible, with the minimal ingredients. Here’s the recipe:

• 1 1/2 lb. chicken
• 8 bacon slices
• Olive oil for stir-frying
• 1 1/4 cups rice
• 1 onion, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed
• 1 tsp. ground turmeric
• Zest and juice of 1/2 lemon
• 2 cups hot chicken stock
• 1 tbsp. chopped cilantro
• Salt and black pepper to taste

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Wrap chicken pieces with a bacon slice and secure in place with a toothpick.
3. Oil a nonstick pan, and sear the chicken for 5 minutes until browned. Remove and set aside.
4. Add the rice to the pan and stir for 1 minute. Add onion, garlic, turmeric, lemon zest, stock, and salt and pepper to taste.
5. Transfer the mixture to a casserole pan, and arrange the chicken pieces over the rice.
6. Cover with foil and lid. Bake for 50 minutes and garnish with cilantro.
7. Tangy Yogurt Sauce (optional): 2/3 cup yogurt + 1 tsp lemon zest + 1 crushed garlic clove + 2 tsp lemon juice + parsley, salt and pepper to taste.

Not as impressive as your everyday Mapo Tofu or Pernil, but sometimes simple works.

If you are thinking tacos and burritos when you hear Mexican food, the delicious seafood cooked in Nayarit style (which I had never heard of until I visited this restaurant) will blow your mind. There is a similar restaurant across the street with flashier exterior and more inviting parking lot, but I never found the reason to try that place. You can tell the restaurant’s integrity by its largely Hispanic customer-base. Mariscos El Veneno is a BYOB joint, and will provide ice buckets and uncork your wine free of charge. In fact, the first time I went I obliviously ordered beer; the waiter said “we’re BYOB” then proceeded to ask the people (in Spanish) at the table next to us whether I can have one of their beers. They said yes!

I cannot tell you how many times I wished I spoke Spanish, but it never kills me as much as when I start talking about MEV. I never can remember what these amazing dishes are called (other than the Cucaracha shrimp, not shown but tear-jerkingly good), but to the left is my absolute favorite. I usually just point at the picture on their menu – the braised collection of shrimp, oysters and the juiciest octopus you will ever sink your teeth into. The spices are melded together so well in the broth that it is impossible to single out one of them, but it really requires the willpower of a Buddhist monk to stop eating this, no matter how full you are. I usually overeat like it was Thanksgiving. Probably not great for my health.

On our last visit we decided to order something we had not had before – and the waitress recommended the fish to the right. With a mountain of crabmeat/cheese stuffing on top, it was deep-fried to perfection, succulent yet with a crispy batter.

A word of caution, however – do NOT liberally sprinkle that salsa on top of your free appetizer ceviche! The stuff packs some serious, serious heat. I’m Korean and can handle my fair share of heat, but that undiluted habanero salsa can destroy your mouth. I was lucky to have someone warn me about it before I dug into it, but it still nearly gave me an anaphylactic shock.

Then there are those who try to eat it instead of meat. This flabbergasts me beyond all reason. Yes, it is rich enough in protein to replace meat. Koreans even call tofu “beef from the fields.” But that does not mean we are supposed to shape it into burgers and dip it in cow sauce to make it taste like beef. Tofu has a wonderful texture of its own, breaking apart in your mouth with subtle umami and enhancing the taste of whatever you eat it with. So please, do not grind it up into a burger patty. It’s blasphemy.

With that said, I personally think Mapo Tofu is one of the best dishes the Orient has to offer. Like all Szechuan dishes, it boasts a powerful kick and enough heat to help you survive the brutal summers of Southern China. Served with rice, it will render you utterly helpless and unable to stop shoveling it into your mouth. But when I first started making this dish in college, I found it extremely difficult to find a consistent recipe for it. I looked online only to find the most amateur instructions by a few Chinese-food enthusiasts. I came across this one within my mother’s cookbooks, and it has yet to fail me. So without further ado, the recipe.

Ingredients:

• 1 Loaf Soft Tofu
• 150g Ground Pork
• 1 1/2 cup Water
• 1 tsp chicken/pork bullion
• 3 Tbsp Chili Bean Paste
• 1 1/2 Tbsp Garlic, chopped
• 1/2 Tbsp crushed hot pepper flakes
• 1/2 Tbsp Ginger, pureed
• 3 Tbsp Sake or Mirin
• 1/2 Tbsp Sugar
• 1 1/2 Tbsp Japanese Miso
• 1 Tbsp Korean pepper flakes
• 2 Tbsp Cornstarch
• 3 Tbsp water
• Scallions or Fresh Garlic
• Salt, Pepper and Sesame Oil to taste

1. Coat the bottom of a thick pan or wok with vegetable oil (do not EVER use sesame oil to cook). Bring to medium-high heat.
2. Stir chicken/pork bullion into 1 1/2 cups water; bring to boil.
3. In the meantime, render chili oil by stir-frying the chopped garlic, chili bean paste and crushed hot pepper flakes. It will splatter a lot. The spicy fumes might even make you cough. Use a lid or something. Or (Russell Peters Mode) BE A MAN. Deal with it.
4. Add ground pork to 3, stir one to two minutes.
5. Add black pepper, ginger, sake and sugar. Stir until the pork is browned.
6. Add Miso and Korean pepper flakes. Mix well.
7. Pour boiling stock from 2 into the mixture. This takes the swiney out of the swine. Boil the mixture on medium heat.
8. Cut tofu into cubes – or rectangular prisms – of desired size and add into the broth.
9. Cover and simmer on medium-low heat.
10. Mix 2 Tbsp cornstarch and 3 Tbsp water together. Stir this mixture in to thicken the sauce. Some call this the ancient Chinese secret. But the real secret is MSG.
11. Stir in a little bit of sesame oil at the end. This is the correct usage.
12. Garnish with chopped scallions or freshly chopped garlic, although I would recommend the former unless you have no other plans for the rest of the day.
13. SERVE WITH RICE!